The Mind of Child
By Dr. Michael Flaherty
Dr. Flaherty is a clinical psychologist with more than 30 years of experience in the prevention, intervention, treatment, research, and policy development related to substance use, addiction, and recovery. He works as a ROSC (Recovery Oriented Systems of Care) consultant to Hancock County.
What about our children? We see a tree. They see a universe. Where are they in these times? How might they be handling the "shut down"? Where is a child's mind today?
Kids are different. For the moment let's just consider them as "wanting to imagine and play" most of the time. They are blessed. For a while, everything for them is true. Today too often this means touching base and testing parents - and feeling disappointment. They will ask themselves," why can't I" more than a family of adults can say "because." Their typical world is missing. For example, distance education now challenges their ability to focus and see others in ways that through actual inter-relatedness seemed normal and insured their focus. Being told to listen and learn outside of a real classroom is a new, developing science. To most children it's all more or less "disappointing."
That's where we adults come in. Your emotions become their emotions. If you are ok, creative, optimistic, patient etc. chances are so will they - eventually. First disappointment, then adaptation via shared feelings and words. A Zoom or Facetime with friends can assure them they aren't alone or in this situation and their feelings. It can also still frustrate them. Still, this lightens their disappointment. Still its important, peer recognition also helps build identity. When you see disappointment, don't swoop in to wipe it out. Think of making "disappointment" a learning or teaching moment on how to manage or alter it. As Margaret Mead advised,"Children must be taught how to think, not what to think." Achieve this and your child will go far in later life. Takes effort, but what an opportunity for today ...and tomorrow. The opportunity in disappointment.
Live as normal as possible. Keep returning to as "normal" as possible for today in your home and life.
Here are some specific COVID-19 tips for working with kids today:
1. It's hard to know how much to share with kids right now - knowing can be scary. If a family member contracts coronavirus more detail should be given, comparing it to many "others" who also have gotten ill but noting, "nearly all recover." Don't lie. Kids understand emotionally and relate ultimately to our feelings, honesty and even our vulnerability or sadness. Keep reminding them, "that's why we take care of you." "Why we're here today and for the long run."
2. If a relative or neighbor dies explain death. Be honest. If you are "ok" they will be "ok." Depending on age and situation, try not to sugarcoat. Stay real. Children under 5 probably won't be able to grasp the concept of death so it's best to say just s/he "won't be coming back". Assure the child they "did nothing" to cause the illness or death. Talking it over, even often, processes and reduces grief and fear, especially when done with a trusted parent or secure guardian. Not talking prolongs grief and fear. If the child can, have them draw or select faces that relate to their feelings. Acting out can be grieving, be patient. If it persists, contact a professional (pediatrician, Child counselor, psychologist).
3. Keep a regular home routine. It builds security and tells the child that even in unpredictable times, life is going to have the security of order. Routine is security.
4. It's ok for your kids to see you sad.
Golden rule: kids are what the family environment’s mood, feelings, and thoughts are. A positive outlook builds a child's resilience today - and for later life. In many ways today offers more opportunity to "teach" and develop your child than ever - if we care to.
The mind of a child is so special we can't deal with it in just one blog post. Their fascination can teach us or, even better, lead us to see what isn't there at first, to imagine, create and play ourselves. They can get us out of our seriousness. For example watch Danny Kaye, portraying Hans Christian Andersen (1952), captivating the mind of the children - and then us all in this short video:
The collective trauma of COVID-19 is uncharted territory for all of us. In the Thriving Families blog, we aim to share messages of hope and tools to cope. Featured authors are local experts and community partners.
In March, our Hancock County System of Care grant project launched the inaugural Thriving Families Week. This week was dedicated to bringing local families and professionals together to talk about healing trauma, addiction, and mental illness.